Girly Shit

So I hung out with my friend BG (Boobies Galore - a mutually agreed upon moniker ^_^) and her kids today at the pool and at home, and we laughed ourselves silly over various raunchy things. It was good to have some girly time like that.

When we got to the house, there was a special surprise waiting for us: a catalog called As We Change. I mean, what is that? Clothes? Uh, no. It's a very pansy-assed allusion to menopause. How does one get on these lists?

"Who on earth would wear a bra like that?!" (pick your poison)

This was one of BG's first comments, and I have to say she's right. I mean, sure, if you wanted giant-ass, triple-armoured boobie bags to hold your breastages and nipple hiders, maybe. But you can tell from the models' faketastic grins that they're thinking "I can't believe I'm wearing this monstrosity. How much longer will I be in this hell, and where's my damn check?"

I find the nipple hiders particularly ironic, since other catalogues sell fake nipples to produce exactly the opposite effect. Which is silly, because anyone can tell you that 10 years of breastfeeding can produce this effect for absolutely no money at all. Duh.

Other things they feel I may be desirous of purchasing include:

~ Slimming garments, because I want to look sexy while simultaneously trying to convince men that I have no nipples

~a scarf that has pockets and will clip onto my beltloops, because I'm going to get dementia and either lose track of my scarf (in which I had conveniently stored all or most of my Earthly belongings) or accidentally strangle myself with it if I don't secure it to my person. Then again, with that bra on, strangulation could be just the thing.

~silicone boobie enhancers because I want men to admire my giant-ass, nippleless breasts. The giant-ass bras will hold more cookies, so why not buy a 6 pack?

~Breast lifts that will make my boobs appear to be floating, and additionally move them out to the sides in case I get tired of being able to use my arms. Raising the nippleless area is important.

~a supplement called VasoRect; a word clearly made of the root words "vaso" (blood vessel) and "rectum," which is a root I don't really want to associate with blood

~Plenty of sex enhancement stuff in case I actually bag a nipple-hating man

~a cheese grater for my feet, in case I suddenly need tacos and can't find any dairy products

~ointment and bandages to repair the damage

~a vibrator that looks like a lipstick Considering that I now have dementia, this means that I also own lipsticks that look like a vibrator. I smell trouble. And possibly an awkward explanation at the gynecologist's office.

~"hair removal from head to toe" so I can get rid of the hair that is only going to cause me trouble, and do something about those unsightly Hobbit feet.

~ the FPT, because your physical therapist wants you to have one

and finally, something to boost Brain Power. Counterproductive, IMO. Wouldn't that discourage repeat orders?