Monday, February 26, 2007

A Swift Post (with added chickeny goodness)

I got an email from Barnes and Noble today, inviting me to "Celebrate The Cat in the Hats' 50th Birthday." How many were there, anyway? One was too many for my taste. Anyone who has "fun that is funny" is the Anti-Christ in my book. After 4 kids, I am Seussed out. In fact, I believe I received my full quota of Seussian smarminess before even giving birth to my own children. Watching one of my littles pick up a Seuss book at the library and head purposefully in my direction has always produced the same visceral reaction I experienced so many times while riding the "G" bus in Madison. (The G bus goes to Mendota, and yes, thankyouverymuch, I did exit the bus BEFORE the final destination, Smarty-pants!) Somehow, no matter how many silent incantations and promises I offered up to the Gods of Mass Transit upon seeing 650 lb BO Woman, or Pen-Tapping Rocking Guy, or, yes, Awkard-Questions-Asking I-Don't-Need-No-Stinking-Medication Person heading in my direction, they would inevitably wedge themselves into the seat/s next to me.

But I digress. (plus, that is just too painful to think about any longer) Perhaps I should have called this blog "Tristram Shandy's Blog." :-P

Oh, but before I forget, HALELLUJAH, JAFFAR! 1) I finished that review book!!! and 2) The publishing company replied to my email and stated that they were aware of the errors (attributed to some sort of software glitch) and, because it's a print-on-demand setup, the new books will be unmarred by the aforementioned atrocities.

I smell chicken! Look!

I meant to attempt some sort of Tom Swifty post. But I'm not sure that that can be done, barring my resorting to referring to myself in the 3rd person and speaking in dialogue. So in lieu of that, I will just post some plain ol' Swifties (perhaps stretching the rules just a little) and hope that you will add your own. ^_^

* * *

"Someone's punctured my tire," Tom said flatly.

"I hope you don't expect me to wait out here in 12-Degree weather," Jane said icily.

"I'll walk you home," he said, switching from his regularly operatic timbre, to a more pedestrian tone. (Ark ark!!)

Er, there doesn't have to be any continuity between them. That just sort of happened. OK, now I'll give you both barrels - the worst of the worst up with which I can come. ;)

"A Teutonic man! Guarding sheep in the field," she barked. (sock!)

"$500! That's a lot of dough," she said, her voice rising incredulously. (pow!)

"Personally, I can't stand Theodore Geisel and that thing in the hat," she said cattily. (oof!)

Your turn!

addendum : wow, I just read the Wikipedia thing I linked. They have some REALLY good ones. I'm going to have to use my Jedi powers to come up with some better ones! (she said Forcefully)


egan said...

No way. Is that really Batman in that photo? What's happened to Val Kilmer's career?

I had to choose Val to comment on because the rest of this post is quite random. I get it, you don't like Dr. Seuss. Next.

Candace said...

Egan - Well *I* for one, am not planning to scrutinize it any more than necessary, so your guess is as good as mine. Looks like he's got "Dunlap disease."

You don't like random? Why the hell do you come to my blog if you don't like random? ^_^

What, no Swifty?

"I told you, I'm not getting out of the pool for that," he repeeded. (boo, hissssss)

Jaichan said...

I hate the bus. The freaks on the peasant wagon always flock to me. Fortunately, in Halifax, I can walk to the ferry and have access to all of downtown. It beats having the psycho sitting next to me tell me I look like Meg Ryan in one breath and then say he likes to throw axes in the next breath.

egan said...

Good point, I do love the randomness that is Tall Chick. Okay, you busted me. Swifty, nah. It's not for me. I hope you're having a wonderful evening. Oh, I passed gas. (does that count as a Swifty?)

Candace said...

Jaichan - the bus can be a very scary place. Peasant wagon! HAR! ^_^ Sounds like you were sitting next to Jeff (from Coupling.) "Not that I collect ears in a bucket. . ."

Egan - I have buckeyes!! Yum yum yummy yum yum! And I've finished my review, and am sitting by the fire writing poetry and blogging and having a lovely evening indeed, whilst poor MuNKi hacks and slashes at the Linux box upstairs in an attmept to wrangle Java into submission.

Um, let's see. . .

"I feel like a gas giant," he said with a saturnine expression. ^_^

C'mon! You can do eet!

ARM said...

Odd, I didn't get that e-mail from them. But I did get a mailer that gives me an extra 15% off anything in the store. That makes me pretty happy.

Hmmm...what did you link to on the Ark ark! line? Because it's restricted at my work. Now I really want to see it. And what happened to Val Kilmer? Holy crap! He looks like my 93 year old grandpa!

Anonymous said...

Hello C. Being a Britisher, I was spared excessive Seussianity.

Though I was certainly very heavily Enid-Blytonned, and not a little Beatrix-Pottered.

ldbug said...

"Ugh, Kilmer's belly!" She wimpered pathetically..


egan said...

I would love a buckeye. They can be shipped overnight if I'm not mistaken.

tshsmom said...

"Be careful with that chainsaw", Tom said offhandedly.

My kids weren't big Cat in the Hat fans, but they LOVED The Lorax, Fox in Sox, The Sneetches, and How the Grinch Stole Christmas!

archie said...

Not my own work, but definitely on topic.
"Though he was dressed rather nattily,
She dismissed poor Tom quite cattily.
"I'm having an affair
With the gamekeeper there."
Said the gorgeous lady chatilly."

"I hate those self-referential puns,"
quipped Tom swiftly.

Candace said...

Amanda - It was just Mork (from Ork.) He used to say "Ark! Ark! Humour!" all the time.

Barnes - you lucky devil. I can appreciate a good Blytoning or Pottering. And there's nothing quite like a thorough Nesbitting or Ransoming. ^_^

Ldbug - HAR!

Is that not eyeball-yankingly disturbing?

Egan - GONE! I need to make more. Did you find out what they are?

Tshsmom - ooh, good point. I did like the Lorax (until I became a bit older and became nauseus over the preachiness) and the Sneetches. And the pale green pants with nobody inside 'em scared the hell out of me as a kid. But that Cat dude has to go. And Green Eggs and Ham can only be read so many times in a lifetime before it's time for "green face and hurling."

Candace said...

Welcome, Archie! HA!! I LOVE those. VERY nice! ^_^

somewhere joe said...

"Is this seat taken?" said Sasquach heavily.

Slade said...

ohhh the rhyming I have to look forward to!!!

Trundling Grunt said...

So the cat in the hat is 50. But the average lifespan of cats is about 13? Is this what the whole cloning controversy is all about?? I knew it was a bad thing, but now I know why!

Gawpo said...

Your inSeusseiant comments about that children's series is, as Bazza would say, "Spot on."

Croly Hap! I haven't even THOUGHT of Tom Swift since I read every single book as a just-younger-than-teen. Guy mosh. Too funny. All I remember was the fact that Tom's favorite date was his sister. I was so innocent back then. If I read that now it would play into some sort of hot incest fantasy. My how I've grown. Or should I say groan?

Gawpo said...

Wow. I just now noticed Slade's profile photo. Excuse me for a few minutes.....

Candace said...

Joe - oooh, very nice! ^_^

Slade - oh the places you will go! ;) Oh the groans you will utter. ^_^ It's only some of them that really get to me. Or, ok, when I'm just not in the mood, LOL! It's like Will Ferrel's humour. I can only take so much. ^_^

TG - You may be on to something there. And goodness knows I've seen hundreds of identical copies over the years. Maybe we could read them over loudspeakers to the Iraqui insurgents. That just might put a halt to things. ^_^ (or kill the readers)

Gawpo - Ark ark!! And you haven't even had to endure hundreds of readings, I'm guessing. ^_^ I think you're one of the only (perhaps THE only) person I've ever spoken with who has actually read them. I devoured all the Hardy Boys books, myself. (she said voraciously)

I agree. That is a lovely photo. :)