Friday, March 23, 2007

If Wishes Were Horses


A completely drunken sot was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, mate. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the drunk said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."

A few facts:

-Wish I were only drunk. Of course, I could get wasted, but then I'd just be a drunken cripple. ^_^

-I don't advise ever doing something that causes you to require crutches, because they make your armpits sore.

-Stairs have never struck me as a particularly formidable obstacle before now. Amazing how such a small distance can become such a huge barrier.

-My sister and I bought 2 pairs of wooden crutches from Goodwill when we were about 12 and 15. We invented all kind of games to play on crutches. Most involved rollerskates and a tennis ball. I have to say that crutches are a lot more fun when they're optional. ^_^

-Several people have nearly incapacitated themselves playing with my crutches.

-Retail therapy really does make me feel better. The first day, I bought a Korean DVD. Today it was homeschooling stuff. Oooh, and Matin Latin, and other fun things from The Book Peddler.

My ankle definitely does NOT feel worse, and I think it feels slightly better. Of course MuNKi is not letting me do anything fun. It's like living with the Gestapo. ;) I have to say, though, that it's pretty lovely to just saunter (read hobble/hop/crutch) off after a meal and leave the clean-up to others whilst feeling pretty guilt-free about the whole thing.

And yes, I do actually appreciate (very much) what MuNKi is doing for me. But it's still fun to carp about it.

One of my ankle bones has mysteriously vanished, and that's kinda weird. I'm pretty intimate with a bag of Trader Joe's frozen peas at this point.

I have all the hope in the world of making a rapid (or at least semi-rapid) recovery from this, but in case my foot falls off, I'm pretty sure what my next occupation is going to be. Just call me Captain Pegleg. ^_^


egan said...

Yeah, YouTube is back and better than ever. Sorry to hear about your injuries, including the new armpit ones. I hope you heal soon. You're always intimate.

Candace said...

YouTuuuuuuube!!! ^_^ And Pirates! Woo hoo!!

I'm listening to Patrick Stewart right now. Intimate thoughts indeed. ^_^

Thank you for caring about my pits, thoughtful Monkey Boy. :)

Logophile said...

Oh man!
After I walked in front of that car I've mentioned... I was on crutches for about 9 months. Don't worry, you will get the hang of the stairs. And if they are hurting your pits too much you might not have them adjusted right.
On the pro side you will develop some awesome arm muscles.
Don't be doing dirty stuff with those peas, ok?

Candace said...

Holy Cow! I found one of your posts about that. OMG NINE MONTHS!! I can't imagine.

I have to figure out what I'm doing wrong that's making my pits hurt. :-P

I wonder if we will eventually eat these peas. :-/ ^_^

ARM said...

Crutches are the devil, among other evil things. I think your pits are hurting because technically you're not supposed to rest your pits on the crutches with all of your weight when "crutching" around. I had to get a lesson with them when I used them - I guess your arms are supposed to be straight and the curve of the crutch when walking is supposed to be by your bicep.

Candace said...

Thanks, Amanda! I'll experiment with that. :)

egan said...

I'm thoughtful like that. If you send the brownies tomorrow, I'll be home late tomorrow afternoon. Thanks.

Candace said...

Be careful, or I will. ^_^

egan said...

No you won't. I double dog dare you.

Candace said...

Damn! They're gone.