Thursday, April 05, 2007

Things I'm Afraid to Post About. . .

. . .in case of offending. But I have this thing about doing things that scare me. Like riding the scary bike at COSI.(a variation on this theme)

I got an acceptance letter from an editor today. One of my tawdry stories will be in a book.

I have invented the anal bead rosary. Brilliant, eh? Anyone want to help me patent it? ^_^

My short posts do much better than my long ones, so I'll leave it at that.

52 comments:

egan said...

Great, the short vs. long debate is back and in full force.

Psstt, I owe you an email for your tawdry tales.

egan said...

Oh, Benoit Balls are real. Look it up.

ARM said...

I'm squealing really loud for you right now!! That is so awesome! For both the book and the rosary! I'm going to use a lot of exclamation points in this comment!!! Yay!

Candace said...

Short always gets more comments. Hmmm. . .

Do you? Excellent. Perhaps I shall run some more past you.

I thought you were just Fracophonising Ben-Wa. Though the Benoit thing is certainly not a new concept. However, my invention allows you to do penance for the act DURING the act.

ARM said...

And damn you, Egan. I like being the first to comment on Candace's posts. (why not start it here, too?)

Candace said...

Amanda - Hooray!!!!!! ^_^ Not a whole book, though, mind, just a short story. But IN a real, live, pring book with a spine and cover (hopefully) and everything. ^_^

Jaichan said...

I can help you invent EDIBLE ones. As a collapsed Catholic, I can totally understand the humour here.

Candace said...

Amanda - You'll beat him next time.

ARM said...

Hey, published is published. Whole book, short story, magazine article. It's an accomplishment.

Candace said...

Jaichan -Ooooh! Now that is really good. Though I don't think we should combine the 2. :-P

Candace said...

Amanda - I can't keep up with you! Yep, I'm pretty excited. I'll be even more excited if I get word about the payment. I was pretty sure this was a pying gig, but no mention yet in the communication I've received. I'm not pushing my luck by asking yet, though. ^_^

ARM said...

Sorry. I went a little crazy there with the comments. I hear you on the paying thing, though. Hopefully they'll bring it up so you won't have to.

Shall I challenge Egan to a comment-off?

Candace said...

Don't be sorry! I'm loving it, LOL!


Yes, I do think you should! (challenge Egan to a comment-off)

Jaichan said...

Hahah, don't discount edible anal rosary beads! You would make a MINT with them over in Japan. Well, Nigel and I ARE going to an S&M bar when we go over in November...

ARM said...

Does he fight dirty?

Candace said...

Jaichan - oooooh. We should definitely make them in mint, then.

Armanda - Egan or Nigel? Egan fights dirty and Nigel SOUNDS dirty ^_^ (in a good way)

ARM said...

I meant Egan, but yes - Nigel does sound dirty. I like it.

Candace said...

Egan's probably plotting to overwhelm you with chlorine fumes, stun you with a flash of his (brown) Speedo™ and then befuddle you with a rapid-fire volley of Francaise. But you can take him.

Jaichan said...

Nigel is very excited to get the condom I knit for him in the mail. His birthday is next week... and he doesn't know about the discount porn I threw into his birthday parcel.
I've warned him NOT to open the package at work.

ARM said...

That's going to be tough to top. I'll have to work on a counter-attack strategy.

Candace said...

Jaichan - I loved that condom, LOL! Wow - bonus porn! Lucky Nigel!

Amanda - I'd start with the knitting needles - a two-pronged attack. ^_^ Have you seen Jaichan's knitted condoms? There's a pic on the blkog. You could quick knit one to dumbfound Egan as part two of your evil strategy!

ARM said...

I'm dying! Thanks for the tip! And for the giggles.

ARM said...

I'm going to check out the knitted condoms now. I'm rather curious.

Candace said...

LOL! I'm sure you can come up with more ideas. :)

You're gonna love those condoms. Very impressive. ^_^

ARM said...

Those were excellent. I have asked for a pattern.

Now, I must go create a plan of attack.

Candace said...

You could knit him a large one for a baby hat. That would be ironic, wouldn't it? A condom-shaped baby hat?

ARM said...

No kidding! "Well...since we didn't use one before, we might as well now!"

Go read my last comment on your previous post. EEEKKK!!!

Candace said...

HOOOOOOOORRRRAYYYYYY!!!!

Well, that's the capper then. Egan will be sooooooo jealous! :)

ARM said...

Jealousy is not what I have planned. Total domination is what I have planned.

Shit, I really have no idea what I'm talking about. I'm just really hyper now. I should probably go veg out in front of the tv for awhile.

Candace said...

HAHAHA!! Total Egan Domination! (or TED as we like to call it) Something tells me he's going to like that. }:-) Maybe you should check out that bar with Jaichan and Nigel to get some ideas. ^_^

ARM said...

TED is the best acronym EVER! "Prepare for Total Egan Domination!....Ya'll Ready For This?" (you only need to watch the first 55 seconds or so to know what I'm talking about).

GuTTer MuNKi said...

Amanda-

Thanks for the video link to Egan.

I can see it now - He shows for the Ironman, runs in his dancing leathers, gets to the water, fires up the boombox, peels (strip tease style) down to his leather Speedo, glides into the water, stroking(!) smoothly. Even the sharks would shit themselves and get out of his way! When he gets to the end of the water course, he "comes out", boombox still mysteriously playing, eschews any water or food, shucks his speedo, slips on his leather G-string(neon of course), leaps confidently astride his bi-wheeler, (chrome with leather seat, complete with built-in camel toe) and flashes(!) through the course.

At least, that's how I'd play it.

Diesel said...

What's the tawdry story about? I hope it doesn't involve those beads.

I have another pic posted for my caption contest. I'm afraid I'm not as dapper in this one though. A little frumpy. You'll have to wait for a new background. :)

ARM said...

Oh wow, MuNKi! I love the visuals I'm getting with this!

Jaichan said...

Nigel got his parcel! He was very thankful I gave him the heads up to not open it at work. He said his colleagues would have thought he was a sexual deviant... seeing as the magazines I threw in were called 'Partners' and 'Chocolate Mounds'.
My god, when I see him next month, it's going to be a gong show.

Trundling Grunt said...

Damn good news about the story! When and where?

As for the rosary, I'm just glad I'm not Catholic.

egan said...

Shit, I missed out on all this juicy stuff. Don't fret though as I'm all caught up now. Yes, I'm ready for the comment-off and the TED attacks. Bring them on. I can't believe they played my song on the YouTube clip. To prove to you that's my song, the song is titled James Brown is Dead. Top that suckers. MuNKi, you better sleep with one eye open sir!

Mr. Fabulous said...

Anal bead rosary. I like it. Fun for all ages!

ARM said...

Oh, you're ready to play now, huh Egan? I see how you are. While you were typing your comment, I was trying to fall asleep. Not thinking about comment-off's or TED's. But I'm ready now - I've been up for 3 hours. Get your ass out of bed and let's rumble.

FORTY!!!

Candace, you were right about your short posts. This has exploded! Oh, and I saw your review on the Shakespeare Code - I wants to read that book!! I have been really bad - I have 2 books that I need to finish and write reviews for. But I haven't been able to bring myself to do so...maybe I should lay off blogging until I'm done.

Did I just say that?

egan said...

Forty-one! I'm ready to rumble, but I'm also ready for some bagels, new clothes, baby stuff, lunch, and other errands.

Do us proud today Arm.

GuTTer MuNKi said...

Egan-

Sage advice. Can I borrow your leather eye patch?

Candace said...

MunKi - This is one of many reasons why I will always adore you.

Diesel - The tawdry story does not involve my new invention. It's a quickie about a college student who is infatuated with her prof. I can email it to any interested parties. I'll be checking out your caption contest as soon as my work here is done. ^_^

Amanda - I'd say he's a creative man, but he's just describing his last competition. ;)

Jaichan - What a hoot! I'm giggling like crazy! Next time you'll have to throw in a copy of "Chunky Asses." ^_^ I sincerely hope you're intending to find a way to blog from Japan. ^_^

TG - a story in Five Minute Fantasies. Yes, THAT sort of story. :)

Egan - too little, too late, I'm afraid. I can't eblieve you weren't here to partay with us. But it was fun abusing you behind your back. Prepare for TED!!

Mr. Fab - thank you. :) I hope to be rich any day now.

Amanda - can you believe he stood us up? That's all right, we're still doing TED, right?

What? Lay off blogging? Heresy! I think I can send you The Shakespeare Code when I get it back from my friend. I just need to make sure I haven't told anyone else they can read it first, LOL!

I think I've hit a gold mine with these shorties. ^_^

Egan - I saw a teeny tiny baby girl outfit yesterday that screamed "BABY LESSINGES" at me. Once again I had to exercise enormous self-control. I need to go look at my fabric.

Candace said...

MuNKi - if you do, please make sure to borrow Gawpo's Pirate outfit as well. O_^ (<--eyepatch)

ARM said...

Hells yeah we're still doing TED! But apparently Egan has "errands to run" - pshaw. Ok, I admit, I can't rumble right now either...I'm going to meet with a friend for lunch before my callback. Should help keep my mind off stuff.

I do the same thing with books - I'm always forgetting who I told could read it next. Oops! And I saw an adorable baby outfit the other day, too, and thought of the baby monkey. I need to stop hanging out in the baby section.

Have a great Saturday!

Candace said...

Yup - we're off to run a bit, too, to The Witch Doctor Store, as MuNKi refers to the homeopathy place. ^_^

Hope your call back is SUPER! Or do I say "break a leg"?

Winters said...

C and tawdry are on opposite pages of my hymn book.

Bravo. :)

PS I don't have a hymn book.

Winters said...

However, the metaphor stands. The metaphor is a hymn book, fluttering its eyelayish pages defiantly in the secular breeze.

(Forgive me this pretention. I've had a couple of beers...) :)

Winters said...

I meant "eyelashish" of course.

You know, like an eyelash.

Winters said...

So, that'd be 50 comments then. Soon.

Whoa!

Candace said...

Winter, Winters, Winters, Winters - Perhaps you should pull out all the pages in between. ^_^ In your non-existant hymn book, that is.

I'm enjoying the fluttering of eyelashish pages - that is a particularly enchanting image. And the secular breeze is just icing on the metaphoric cake. (or mascara on the metaphoric eyelashes)

I always know what you mean. We are kindred typoists.

I really think I should always keep my posts short like this. But I'm such a blabber-- uh fingers -- that that is probably not going to happen.

Have some more beer and comment away! ^_^

Gawpo said...

Maybe we can get together for some marketing strategies. I have invented a urethral psalter. We can cater to dyslexic golfers, offering a guaran-teed "one-in-hole."

Candace said...

Urine good company here, Gawpo. ^_^ Let's take the world by storm! How about a scapular genital cuff to round things out? ;)