Schtick Lit

Originally titled "STFU Stanley!" Gardner Books has decided to go with a slightly less in-your-face title for this award-winning children's story. Aimed at toddlers, the shiny board book with drool-friendly pages is sure to be a crowd pleaser as Zacky the Zebra teaches children in no uncertain terms how to be seen but not heard.



Dr. Evil calls it "the best book I ever read!"

Be sure to buy your copy today.

A Girl and Her Raven

Or maybe he's a rook.

Anyway, Joan Aiken's books about Arabel and Mortimer have got to be the funniest kids' books ever written. I had forgotten just how precisely delightful they are until we started reading them again last night.

TKD is closed through Saturday because the Master has a nasty flu. The only exception is the kids' after-school club, which must go on (because where else are they gonna go?) so I'm handling that. The kids were very good for me today, but when the last one's mom came to pick him up, he turned into a complete snot. I couldn't believe what a brat he became. She let him walk all over her, too, which was both embarrassing and frustrating to watch. I need to talk to the Master about the idea of adding some sort of off-the-mat behaviour tip as a testing requirement.

Speaking of testing, black belt testing time has rolled around again, and our test is in a little over 3 weeks. This will be the first of 6 bi-annual tests toward my 2nd Dan. Not looking forward. :-P But I'll probably live through it. MuNKi, Mollusc and Sluggie are testing too.

I'm on a roll of seemingly getting nothing done at home, so I'll probably be scarce for a while.

Later, taters!

Bang Bang!

MuNKi and I watched Shoot 'Em Up last night, which was a riot! As I understand it, and also judging by some of the reviews I read, a lot of people don't understand that this film is a send up of 'shoot 'em up bang-bangs.'

I think the underlying reason for this is that so many of the last decade or so's shoot 'em up bang-bangs (or SEUBB) are so ridiculous that people mistake this for just another one in a long line of crap SEUBBs.

Think again, dear Viewer, think again.

If you're wondering why I rented this flick in the first place, here's basically how the stream-of-consciousness dialogue in my head went:

"Clive Owen. Yummy! Action film? He's not so much an action dude, is he? Can he really pull that off? I'm not sure I can imagine. . . What does it say on the back? Nothing. Nothing? Oh, you have to slide it out of the little sleeve thinggy. Hmmm. Sexy and funny? And Clive Owen. OK, I'm sold."

Check it out. If it doesn't "crack" you up, I'll post nothing but naked pictures for a week. (Better watch it so you don't have to be subjected to that!)

^_^

Friday Fun Day

I ♥ Eddie Izzard, and I ♥ Star Wars, so what better thing could there be than a YouTube that combines the two? Nothing, I say. There are a couple of F-bombs (it's Eddie, remember) so careful where you play it. ^_^

Otto Means Eight

This one goes out to my favourite sister, who could probably use a laugh about now. We originally heard of Otto Waalkes from a penpal of hers way back when we were teenagers. She sent my sis a tape and I think we wore it out. ^_^ Sadly, I had no idea what his last name was, and internet searches were fruitless until YouTube came along. You have no idea how thrilled I was to find him on Saturday. Hansel and Gretel was one of the songs we listened to ad infinitum. There was another that vaguely remember about a Taxi, and a version of 99 Luftballons as well, but I haven't found them yet.

For non German speakers (or listeners) this is a medley of Hansel and Gretel songs done in different styles. He starts out by "translating" the song for Scandanavian listeners, and then for Americans. I think you'll enjoy at least that part if nothing else. And if you remember the VW ad with the "da da da" song, stick around until he goes to the drum set. ^_^

Entertaining While Inebriated

I found a really fun book at the library today. It's packed with great tips on things like Entertaining the Elderly, including a recipe for "I Remember the War Cube Steak," which invites you to take a cube steak and "bang it with a mallet until it is riddled with pockmarks," and the BRITTLE diet (Bananas, Raisins, Ice milk, Turnips, Tomato juice, Lentils, Escarole.)

The section on children's games had me in stitches, especially the part on Gerneral Party Game Safety, which reads in one breathless paragraph:

"If for any reason a child's clothing catches fire, prevent the child from running because this adds oxygen, causing him to burn more quickly. Roll the smoldering child on the ground or in a rug. If a youngster breaks though the ice, have him kick his feet and wriggle to a solid surface. Kerosene is an accelerant: try not to mix it with an open flame unless an escape route is cleared. Stay in single file. Don't scratch, and don't ever put that in your mouth. The eyes are the most vulnerable part of a wolf. When cornered, jab something pointy into this area."

There are plenty of fun game suggestions (play "Grown-Up" and Social Services), hundreds of off-colour 70's photographs straight out of your grandmother's handy housewife book, and a plethora of recipes. Now, I'm not so sure about these recipes. It's kind of like reading the Onion back when I was a student on the Madison campus during its startup days. I never knew if the coupons were for real, and I was too chicken to ask.

I don't know who Amy Sedaris is, but I have this nagging feeling that I ought to and that perhaps if my television got channels I might. What I do know is that she makes me laugh. A lot. ^_^ Click the pic and check her out.

The Ratings Game

Mollusc is a collector and connoisseur of MPAA ratings. Some of these ratings categories include:

"Shark Attacks and Langauge" (shark language?? Save us!)

"Epic Warfare"

"Swashbuckling Violence"

"Adventure Violence"

"Intense Science Fiction Terror"

It's funny how many there really are. So we have fun making up our own. You know, stuff like

"Silent Violence"

"Mime Slaughter" (Mollusc: "You made that one up right?" Me: "Yeah." Mollusc: "Awwww!")

"Premenstrual Violence"

"Musical Violence"

"Inappropriate Touching and Music"

"Musical Horror" (^_^)

"Mathematical Terror"

"Action/Adventure Birth"

"Excessive Norging"

What kind of ratings exist in your world?

Superior Firepower

In spite of requests for pantsless painting pictures (say THAT 3 times fast!) I thought you'd all enjoy this. I was reminded of it by a post over at Michael's.



I actually bought this book for MuNKi after watching the vid. I ♥ Think Geek!

Miss Herd (sister of Miss Scene and Miss Demeanor)

"Tomato Siren"

Diesel You Can Afford

It's here! Diesel that will give you unlimited mileage for one low price, and is environmentally friendly to boot.

That's right, folks! Diesel is releasing a compilation in actual book form of his best blog posts, paired with some never-before viewed, untouched-by-human-hands, freshly mattress-tagged, non GMO, non-pesticide, non-tested-on-animals, organic, preservative-free material. "Antisocial Commentary: From the Secret Files of the Mattress Police" is going to be published on 8/15, but you can start placing “pre-orders” on Diesel's fabulous site on 7/26. That's right! Today!! It’s going to retail for $11.95 + S&H for those poor sods who aren't in the know, but you can pre-order a signed copy for $9.95 with free shipping. Does life get any better? Well, Daniel Craig could phone you up I guess. And if you buy this book, maybe he will.

I adore Diesel for many reasons, not the least of which being that be bribed me to write this post. ;-) From Caption contests to cutting edge Geographical and Celebrity News, to Bold Political Commentary, he never fails to make me laugh. And if I can't laugh with him, I can always laugh AT him. ^_^

Now, of course, like the rest of the world already does, you could just read Diesel's posts for free on his blog, but bringing these glorious works to paper opens up whole worlds of new possibilities -- toilet paper and lopsided origami fodder being just two possible uses. Why not rip out a particularly relevant post, fold it into a paper airplane (with a very sharp nose) and sail it into your boss's office? If you're lucky, you might even hit him/her in the eye. Or go evangelical on someone's ass and nail "Harry Potter and the Inevitable Slide into Satanism" to their door (preferably in the middle of the night.) You might consider smacking a troublesome co-worker upside the head with this gem, or buying 200,000 copies and dropping them on Canada from a low-flying aircraft in an effor to promote World Peace.

Really, the possibilities are endless. And so are the laughs. :)

Time for the Quarterly Kitchen Disaster Report

OK, so in actuality, I'm only good at maybe 4 things. It's amazing, really, that MuNKi has held onto me this long. Perhaps he keeps me purely for my entertainment value. Yes, it's time for another Kitchen Disaster Report. ^_^

So Sluggie wanted "Zebra Cake" for her birthday, which made my day, because after 29 birthday cakes, I just kind of dread making them. :-P Zebra cake is simple, though. Piece of -- well, you know.

However.

Who knew that those stupid Nabisco™ wafers would be as hard to find as they are? And also, since when do I read directions? (Just ask MuNKi) I think I got my fill of that whilst fixing expensive aircraft, so now I just like to be free and let it all flow in creative ways, ya know? Usually.

Now the last time I whipped cream, it never ah, stiffened. I hear it happens to everyone, but it had never happened to me before. That's the kind of thing that happens to Other People, you know? In retrospect, this was probably due to the bowl being too warm, but yesterday I thought that maybe I ought to read the directions instead of just beating the stuff indicriminately on high speed.

Lo and behold, the carton directed me to "beat at a low and consistent speed." Yup. So I did.


Can you guess what I made?

It was like living in Little House on the Prairie. I made butter! ^_^

But, yeah, that is not the greatest for gluing together chocolate wafers for zebra cake, so MuNKi had to bring me more cream.

In the meantime, we have some rather sweet butter for our toast and jam.

***

In other news, we continued our decluttering mission today. This time we worked in the basement, rockin' out to some very inspirational tunage from ~d. (Thanks ~d!!)

Of course, once we found the hula hoops, productivity suffered a sharp decline. ^_^

Girly Shit

So I hung out with my friend BG (Boobies Galore - a mutually agreed upon moniker ^_^) and her kids today at the pool and at home, and we laughed ourselves silly over various raunchy things. It was good to have some girly time like that.

When we got to the house, there was a special surprise waiting for us: a catalog called As We Change. I mean, what is that? Clothes? Uh, no. It's a very pansy-assed allusion to menopause. How does one get on these lists?

"Who on earth would wear a bra like that?!" (pick your poison)

This was one of BG's first comments, and I have to say she's right. I mean, sure, if you wanted giant-ass, triple-armoured boobie bags to hold your breastages and nipple hiders, maybe. But you can tell from the models' faketastic grins that they're thinking "I can't believe I'm wearing this monstrosity. How much longer will I be in this hell, and where's my damn check?"

I find the nipple hiders particularly ironic, since other catalogues sell fake nipples to produce exactly the opposite effect. Which is silly, because anyone can tell you that 10 years of breastfeeding can produce this effect for absolutely no money at all. Duh.

Other things they feel I may be desirous of purchasing include:

~ Slimming garments, because I want to look sexy while simultaneously trying to convince men that I have no nipples

~a scarf that has pockets and will clip onto my beltloops, because I'm going to get dementia and either lose track of my scarf (in which I had conveniently stored all or most of my Earthly belongings) or accidentally strangle myself with it if I don't secure it to my person. Then again, with that bra on, strangulation could be just the thing.

~silicone boobie enhancers because I want men to admire my giant-ass, nippleless breasts. The giant-ass bras will hold more cookies, so why not buy a 6 pack?

~Breast lifts that will make my boobs appear to be floating, and additionally move them out to the sides in case I get tired of being able to use my arms. Raising the nippleless area is important.

~a supplement called VasoRect; a word clearly made of the root words "vaso" (blood vessel) and "rectum," which is a root I don't really want to associate with blood

~Plenty of sex enhancement stuff in case I actually bag a nipple-hating man

~a cheese grater for my feet, in case I suddenly need tacos and can't find any dairy products

~ointment and bandages to repair the damage

~a vibrator that looks like a lipstick Considering that I now have dementia, this means that I also own lipsticks that look like a vibrator. I smell trouble. And possibly an awkward explanation at the gynecologist's office.

~"hair removal from head to toe" so I can get rid of the hair that is only going to cause me trouble, and do something about those unsightly Hobbit feet.

~ the FPT, because your physical therapist wants you to have one

and finally, something to boost Brain Power. Counterproductive, IMO. Wouldn't that discourage repeat orders?

Squeaky Clean Fun

Tonight was a very entertaining TKD night. About a year ago, a bunch of us were joking around about how funny it would be to slip some squeakers into our sparring pads. Then R went and found some and he's been sitting on them ever since, waiting for the right moment. Tonight he dropped one in my lap while I was putting my gear on and everyone else was busy, so I snuck it into the top of my left foot pad, figuring I do more round kicks with that foot, and I'd get more bang for the buck (or squeak for the kick) that way. I was already laughing before we started, but I guess my partner, G, didn't catch on. I'd popped him a few times before he suddenly grabbed his hogu (chest protector) and said, "Was that me?!?!"

Well, of course I confirmed that it was, and he thought that was pretty weird. So I kicked him again, and sure, enough, "SQUEAK!"

Of course I'm dying now, because I didn't realise he was going to think that HE was making the noise. That's just bonus. ^_^ And G just thinks I'm laughing because he's so squeaky. Then R says, "let me see" and kicks him with HIS squeaker foot, and sure enough, "SQUEAK!" LOL! Now, G is freaking out. "Why's it doing that? I don't get it! What's going on?!?" And the rest of us are dying because MuNKi has figured out what's going on, and of course R and I know. But I guess G didn't expect R and me to be in cahoots. ^_^

After a while we change partners, and then we change once again, and all the time R and I are squeaking when we hit someone with the squeaker foot but G doesn't seem to notice unless he's the one getting squeaked on. And he still thinks it's him. By this time the Master is cracking up, too. (thank goodness! ^_^)

G never did figure it out. I discreetly returned my squeaker to R and we'll have to pull them out again another night. ^_^

While we're speaking of laughter, you might enjoy this. I did. ^_^

Bothering Snape

Have y'all seen the Potter Puppet Pals? If not, I suggest at least watching Bothering Snape, first:



so that you can better enjoy this one:



Most of the PPP vids have been animated, but I see that the new ones have puppets remarkably like the drawn ones. ^_^


In other news, today is Towel Day Eve, which means that on Towel Day, tomorrow, any frood worth his pangalactic gargle blaster will be carrying his towel tomorrow. (or hers)

Well

The boy's father showed up and stayed for class today. That was a first.

Did he watch and take notes so he could help his kid study? No. He sat there reading a book.

Oh well, at least he showed, which is more involvement than he's ever shown before.

And now, because laughing is good medicine, I give you: Extremely Cute Baby and his Goofy Sounding Dad: (note - this is not my vid, nor is it one of my children, though I think I'd take him in a heartbeat. ^_^)

Playing Hooky

Say the words "crochet" or "knit" and I bet the things that come into your mind are words like "doily" or "antimacassar," "frumpy," and "Grandma."

But it doesn't have to be that way.

Whether it's a knit edible V-string, a skull afghan, or your own Weasley sweater, the yarnier arts have come a long way.

There are books for sexy knits and already made crocheted bra and panty sets.

Mmmm! Bacon and eggs (see sidebar there.)

Got Goth? (More Bacon? ^_^)

Or maybe a digestive tract is more up your, uh, alley.

And I defy you to tell me that this screams Grandma. If it does, you may want to go home and rethink your life.

The Holiday

My dad would have really enjoyed this movie. Today is the 8th anniversary of his death. We were so incredibly blessed to have him while we did. This is not an occasion for sadness, but rather for remembering and rejoicing and being grateful for so many things. And for laughing. ^_^

My dad had a zany sense of humour and was always doing crazy things. If they had already invented (the label) ADHD when he was a kid, he would have been the poster child. If they used it for adults, he would have been the poster adult. He was a spontaneous, enthusiastic, and exuberant guy, and he was always hatching hare-brained schemes. If you've seen Over the Hedge, think Hammy, only with a brain. ^_^

One time, he went through a hot-air balloon making phase. He took those super thin plastic food-storage bags (the kind with the plastic that appears to be cross-hatched when you look closely, and that you close with a twisty) and cut them apart and ironed a bunch of them together in a big bag shape. Then he suspended a candle beneath the bag with string (fishing line maybe?) and chopsticks. It worked. I remember that it seemed to take forever to fill, and I can still picture it lifting slowly up into the night sky and then off over the jungle, to the oohs and ahhs of us all (a bunch of his students came to watch.) I'm still unsure of why the jungle didn't catch fire. ^_^

Another time he went through a phase of making smoothies. He was all about speed. (his nickname as a kid was "Road Runner" because he NEVER walked) The faster you could assemble food or drinks, the better. My favourite smoothie involved a bunch of stuff plus 7up and a poorly secured blender lid. It also involved a lot of clean-up after the lid blew off. ^_^

He made up a lot of silly family words, some (like "Nuftegyew" -- something a monkey once said to him ^_^) inspired by his childhood in India, China and Taiwan. He taught my sister and I how to curse someone in Urdu, and he wasn't scandalised when I said the word "crap" when I was 7 or 8. He could cook a mean curry, and loved to sing, play and compose music. He had his pilot's license, and wrote a COMAL (computer) language programming book. When he saw smoke on the horizon, he'd bustle my sister and I into the Rover (or later the VW Bug) and we'd go stomp out the fires. He taught us to swim, dive and snorkel, and he was the one who discovered that we could swim with the blue jellyfish without getting stung.

He was kind to animals, and caught some of the rats and mice in our ceiling with humane traps made from Klim or Milo cans, and let them go in the jungle. One time he cut a hole in the bathroom ceiling to free a trapped rat. He lured it into a cage with a slice of green apple, and took it to his bio lab to show the kids before letting it go. We had a chicken in Indiana, because he incubated chicken eggs for his bio class and then brought home the chick for us to keep. It had imprinted on him and he had to show it how to be a proper chicken. ^_^ We also had a pigeon named Pea Brain. Students would bring him animals that they rescued, like the baby bats they found in the library.

He would let my sister and I hang out with him in the lab, and take apart and build the anatomy guy. He showed us how to burn sugar into crisp little carbon cakes on the bunsen burners, and he brought home miscroscopes so we could see the world in a different way.

And he loved movies. Theatres had been verboten to us in our first religion (though he did sneak us all off to see Star Wars - my first theatre film.) Once we broke free from that, he made up for it with a vengeance. The theatre people came to know him and encouraged him to attend showings for free. He found something to like about almost every film he saw. But that's he how was about life - there was always something to like, and if you couldn't like something, you could laugh about it. ^_^

I'm sure that if you made it through all that, you can see my dad in me. And I can see him in my sister and in my kids, especially Fishy, his namesake. (well, you know ^_^)

Even when he was sick, he laughed. The morphine made him say and think some pretty weird stuff and a moment or two later he'd realise it and laugh himself silly. One of the best ones was when he announced that "hundreds of Russian women" were "coming over the hill. In tiny cars!" ^_^ So today I remember Daddy, and I laugh, because there is so much to laugh about. :)

Wow. Orignally this was just going to be a title and a YouTube. Bless you if you made it this far. ^_^ What makes you laugh?