Friday, July 13, 2007

Girly Shit

So I hung out with my friend BG (Boobies Galore - a mutually agreed upon moniker ^_^) and her kids today at the pool and at home, and we laughed ourselves silly over various raunchy things. It was good to have some girly time like that.

When we got to the house, there was a special surprise waiting for us: a catalog called As We Change. I mean, what is that? Clothes? Uh, no. It's a very pansy-assed allusion to menopause. How does one get on these lists?

"Who on earth would wear a bra like that?!" (pick your poison)

This was one of BG's first comments, and I have to say she's right. I mean, sure, if you wanted giant-ass, triple-armoured boobie bags to hold your breastages and nipple hiders, maybe. But you can tell from the models' faketastic grins that they're thinking "I can't believe I'm wearing this monstrosity. How much longer will I be in this hell, and where's my damn check?"

I find the nipple hiders particularly ironic, since other catalogues sell fake nipples to produce exactly the opposite effect. Which is silly, because anyone can tell you that 10 years of breastfeeding can produce this effect for absolutely no money at all. Duh.

Other things they feel I may be desirous of purchasing include:

~ Slimming garments, because I want to look sexy while simultaneously trying to convince men that I have no nipples

~a scarf that has pockets and will clip onto my beltloops, because I'm going to get dementia and either lose track of my scarf (in which I had conveniently stored all or most of my Earthly belongings) or accidentally strangle myself with it if I don't secure it to my person. Then again, with that bra on, strangulation could be just the thing.

~silicone boobie enhancers because I want men to admire my giant-ass, nippleless breasts. The giant-ass bras will hold more cookies, so why not buy a 6 pack?

~Breast lifts that will make my boobs appear to be floating, and additionally move them out to the sides in case I get tired of being able to use my arms. Raising the nippleless area is important.

~a supplement called VasoRect; a word clearly made of the root words "vaso" (blood vessel) and "rectum," which is a root I don't really want to associate with blood

~Plenty of sex enhancement stuff in case I actually bag a nipple-hating man

~a cheese grater for my feet, in case I suddenly need tacos and can't find any dairy products

~ointment and bandages to repair the damage

~a vibrator that looks like a lipstick Considering that I now have dementia, this means that I also own lipsticks that look like a vibrator. I smell trouble. And possibly an awkward explanation at the gynecologist's office.

~"hair removal from head to toe" so I can get rid of the hair that is only going to cause me trouble, and do something about those unsightly Hobbit feet.

~ the FPT, because your physical therapist wants you to have one

and finally, something to boost Brain Power. Counterproductive, IMO. Wouldn't that discourage repeat orders?


Trundling Grunt said...

"Who on earth would wear a bra like that?!"

Not me, that's for sure. These things are scary.

Diesel said...

This was hilarious, Candace! Although I had to shudder at the cheese grater thing. Speaking of which, that would be a way to permanently solve the nipple problem. Maybe they have special bras that you can wear to stop the bleeding.

Candace said...

TG - Thank God. ^_^

Diesel - Thank you. :) Yeah, the cheese grater is giving me delightfully horrifying shudders. OMG GREAT solution to that pesky nipple problem!

Airam said...

Wow this is just making me look forward to menopause even more.

Candace said...

Haha. No shit! :) I'm just tickled pink about all the stuff I can look forward to purchasing in order to fix my sorry-ass self. ^_^

Anonymous said...

Who knew post-menapausal women were so dirty? It's all about breasts and vibrators for those gals. And does one really need a nipple hider when she's wearing body-armour bras?

ARM said...

Oh this is too much for me. The FPT took me over the top. And scared me a bit.


Candace said...

Kitkat - it seems we are doomed to become breast/nipple obsessed, sexually deficient women with saggy boobs and a fetish for buzzing plastic. OK, well the last thing isn't so out of line.

Ha! You wouldn't think they would need them, would you?

Amanda - No FPT for you? Don't you want to start weight training with your Kegel muscles? ^_^

Claire said...

OM-freaking-G!! My sister and I found one of these catalogs at my mother's house and howled with laughter. My favorite products were the various Vajayjay exercisers. You just slip these various sized items into your hooha, squeeze, and presto-chango you're back to a youthful squeeze! Heh,heh

Candace said...

LOL! Aren't they a trip? Yeesh, why did I get one? WTF?

I got another one today with a lot of crossover products called Time For Me. Shoulda been Called Time to Feed My Insecurities and My Bajingo. ^_^