Thursday, September 27, 2007

Entertaining While Inebriated




I found a really fun book at the library today. It's packed with great tips on things like Entertaining the Elderly, including a recipe for "I Remember the War Cube Steak," which invites you to take a cube steak and "bang it with a mallet until it is riddled with pockmarks," and the BRITTLE diet (Bananas, Raisins, Ice milk, Turnips, Tomato juice, Lentils, Escarole.)

The section on children's games had me in stitches, especially the part on Gerneral Party Game Safety, which reads in one breathless paragraph:

"If for any reason a child's clothing catches fire, prevent the child from running because this adds oxygen, causing him to burn more quickly. Roll the smoldering child on the ground or in a rug. If a youngster breaks though the ice, have him kick his feet and wriggle to a solid surface. Kerosene is an accelerant: try not to mix it with an open flame unless an escape route is cleared. Stay in single file. Don't scratch, and don't ever put that in your mouth. The eyes are the most vulnerable part of a wolf. When cornered, jab something pointy into this area."

There are plenty of fun game suggestions (play "Grown-Up" and Social Services), hundreds of off-colour 70's photographs straight out of your grandmother's handy housewife book, and a plethora of recipes. Now, I'm not so sure about these recipes. It's kind of like reading the Onion back when I was a student on the Madison campus during its startup days. I never knew if the coupons were for real, and I was too chicken to ask.

I don't know who Amy Sedaris is, but I have this nagging feeling that I ought to and that perhaps if my television got channels I might. What I do know is that she makes me laugh. A lot. ^_^ Click the pic and check her out.

80 comments:

Michael C said...

She cracks me up. She plays James Caan's secretary in Elf...a fav movie of mine!!

cindra said...

oh, dear. she is hysterical! and her brother is too! check out david sedaris. great reads. read Naked first! then me talk pretty one day. then whatever you want. naked is a good intro.

good find, sistah! i'm gonna have to check out that amy book!

egan said...

I love her. She's so great and is always fun to watch on Dave Letterman. I know you don't watch tv, but I'm going to say it anyways.

egan said...

She's also rather easy on the eyes as the male species says. Ask MuNKi.

Jayne said...

Amy and her brother are good value and guaranteed to add to one's laughlines...one can never be too happy or have too many laughlines(apologies to the Duchess of Windsor).

Egan I love your stunning daughter,you're just the appendage holding her LOL.

armalicious said...

Amy Sedaris is hilarious! I'm so glad you stumbled upon her stuff. She also was recently on Rescue Me, but again...since you don't watch TV that means nothing to you. But if you ever rent the DVD's, you would see her.

And as the others have mentioned, her brother is good also.

Autumn Zephyr said...

Oh, you HAVE to watch Strangers With Candy. It's a TV series (on DVD now) in which she plays the part of a 46 year old high school freshman. She dropped out 32 years ago and became a "boozer, a user and a loser".

Candace said...

Michael - Ahhh! So I HAVE heard her name before. She has the look of someone you ought to at least know OF - like Molly Shannon or someone.

Cindra - Seriously? I had completely the wron impresssion of what that book was about, LOL! I'll have to look for her bro now.

Egan - I liked Letterman back when I did watch. :) Although he never lets the guests talk enough. It's all about him, so I was always slightly embarrassed for him when I did watch.

Egan - well, um, no. I think we may have the wrong Amy Sedaris in mind. Or you are a very, very desperate man. But she's very funny. Perhaps her beauty shines from within. I'm not saying she's ugly per se. Again with the Molly Shannon comparison.

Jayne - Ah, I think I like the Duchess of Windsor. Plus she must live very nearby. ;-) (I'm in the Detroit Metro area just a little ways from Windsor, Canada. And OK, I know you shouldn't make jokes you have to explain, but I did anyway.)

I'm going to be giggling all day about the appendage. ^_^

Armalicious - Does her bro do TV stuff, too? Was she ever on SNL? She seems the type.

Autumn Zephyr - That sounds like it has definite potential! ^_^

egan said...

Crikey woman: Letterman is still very engaging and Sedaris is quite cute. You have to see her in person (meaning on tv) to get it. She's hysterical.

egan said...

Damn, this looks like a comment fight.

egan said...

If that's what you're looking for, that's what I will give you. That sounds inappropriate.

egan said...

I'm like a bad moon rising.

egan said...

Tall Chick, did you have dreams last night about a six foot vanilla scenario?

egan said...

No no no, I'm going to win this little comment battle royale.

egan said...

Sedaris is hot, her bro... not so hot, but would be willing to call me a "six foot vanilla" if you know what I mean.

egan said...

4,000 comments? Have you gone completely mad? Yes, I own several Speedo swimsuits. Trust me on this one.

egan said...

Comment off! You're it!

egan said...

Did you just spend way too much time away from the computer or something? I know how it is. You start jonesing for a keyboard.

egan said...

I told someone today you're hot, I think that was a mistake.

egan said...

I should have said "carpe noctem".

egan said...

Hyperdrive, here I come.

Candace said...

Oh my! While I've been busy at your blog, you've been quietly commenting away here!

OK! **rolling up sleeves**

OK I don't have sleeves, so just imagine it. Or I could be rolling up my T-shirt sleeves and wowing you with my incredible biceps. ^_^

I do like Letterman a lot. I just wish he would shut up and LISTEN someties so we could hear what the peeps have to SAY because they're usually interesting. :-P


I dreamt about a six foot vanilla rising with the moon. Wait, that sounds X rated.

I watche d flick with "graphic nudity" last night. Apparently "Graphic Nudity" means "nusdists walking around and mowing the lawn." UM OK.
You are so not gonna win this thing.

Her bro is not hot? Bummer. I think that perhaps she was intentionally made to look unhot in this book.

Candace said...

Damn! You told someone I was hot AND you think Amy Sedaris is hot? I feel my self-image crumbling lower than ever. ^_^

I smell like chlorine.


Carpe penguins. ^_^

Candace said...

Hmm, you are definitely going to win the "most typographically correct" prize, though.

Candace said...

Oh crappity! I was gonna send your box today. And Michael's. I should get them ready. Or maybe tomorrow.

egan said...

I want my box now!

Candace said...

I thought you'd thrown in the towel.

You poor, poor boxless man.

egan said...

Fine, Amy Sedaris isn't the real hottie. You're the real hottie in this scenario.

egan said...

I can't believe graphic nudity means mowing the lawn in the buff. What a cop out.

egan said...

Nah, not throwing in the towel. Just gossiping about work with a co-worker yo.

egan said...

I'm refreshed and back at it. Do you have sleeves on?

egan said...

I'm wearing a Speedo under my jeans.

egan said...

Jeez, get a room will you!

Candace said...

OMG that was fast. (TWSS)

I know. Can you believe that shit? Total copout.

Look at you go. I have a shirt much like Carpe Noctem on.

Candace said...

I seriously doubt that you are.

Are you talking to us?

Candace said...

You have a new status, by the way.

egan said...

I have a new status? I need to look over there ------------->

egan said...

"patate"? Are you trying to say potatoe in French?

Candace said...

yep

I should change it daily.

egan said...

Okay, I'm not wearing a Speedo under my jeans. I do have boxer briefs on though. Is that more to your liking?

Candace said...

Not quite. That's what Mr. Potatohead is called in French. The toy.

egan said...

Potatoe in French is "pomme de terre" mon amie.

Candace said...

I don't know. Probably in the pool. ^_^

Candace said...

If you read the comments in your OWN blog, you'd see that I already knew that since I used it about half an hour ago.

egan said...

Mr. Potatoehead? That's supposed to be nice? I called you a hottie and you return the favor by calling me Mr. Potatoehead? Yikes.

Candace said...

There's no "e" in potato Mr. Quayle.

I kind of assume that everything you sa is a lie, so yes. ^_^

Hang on. BG is here and we're gossiping about you.

egan said...

Well if you want to pluralize it, there sure as hell is. I was flustered by Amy's beauty and couldn't type. It will never happen again. And, is it really your place to correct my spelling?

egan said...

Shall we keep score of spelling mistakes from here on out?

egan said...

I think not, you chose wisely.

Candace said...

Yes, cuz I can spell like nobody's biz. I just can't type for crap.

You betcha!

Come back here and fight you mangy cur! Avast! Or something.

egan said...

I had a feeling you would take the "misspelling" route like that. Well played, not!

Candace said...

Who's kicking whose ass at Scrabble?

egan said...

Well, I'm guessing you play a lot more than I do and know trivial things like words that don't require a "U" when you have a Q. Being good at Scrabble doesn't not mean you're a good speller. It means you play often, use big words, and can do shitloads of pushups.

Candace said...

I don't play often, but I do use big words of my own invention. Sometimes Scrabulous even takes them.

I know an Amy who can kick your ass and she's way hotter than Amy Sedaris (be nice, she's sitting right here and she'll ick MY ass if you're not.)

Candace said...

oops! Kick (not lick or ick or anything else)

egan said...

Nice mix up there Candace. Your friend Amy is meager. I know her and she wouldn't hurt a nice innocent blogger such as myself.

egan said...

Candace, your move on Scrabble. Remember how to play?

Candace said...

What the hell do you mean by "meager"?!?!? She takes great offense. And she is going to hit me if you don't recant.

Heck, I've forgotten what Scrabble even IS. You're lucky I didn't force a win.

Candace said...

Oh and stop whining and check your status already before I change it again.

egan said...

Which status? I'm here reading your comments and sweating bullets. Your threats have me shaking in my shoes. Yes, I said meager. It's your damn move in Scrabble woman.

Candace said...

Meager as in small portions? Hardly! She is, after all, Boobies Galore.

I'm oo busy playing with BG to Scrab.

egan said...

Always an excuse woman, always.

Candace said...

I sill smell like chlorine. Does this redeem me?

I must thank you for sending my comments to a record high.

egan said...

You didn't just tell me you smell like chlorine did you? That's a huge weakness for me.

Anytime you need me to inflate your ego with heaps of comments, I'm here for you. I commented on one post 400 times and I'm damn proud of it.

Candace said...

I did, indeed, mention that I smell like chlorine. It will be even more noticeable in about an hour and 40 mins when I start sweating it out in class. ^_^

Inflation? Oh keep pumping! Er. . .

egan said...

Keep pumping, nice one. I love the smell of chlorine oozing out of someone's body. So hot.

Candace said...

Heh heh! I can only assume my body soaks the stuff up like a sponge, because no matter how well I shower after swimming, I always sweat the stuff out during class. Do you need a moment alone now?

cindra said...

GET A chatROOM!

Candace said...

Ooh! Good point. But then you couldn't join in. Come on in, the water's great!

armalicious said...

Holy Hell! I'm gone for 2 hours and all hell breaks loose!

armalicious said...

Egan has officially made it impossible for me to out-comment him on this. He knows how I feel about this stuff. But I suppose he multiples a bit better than I do today.

Bravo, Egan...Bravo.

armalicious said...

Um. Question for you.

In your experience reviewing books for TCM, have you ever had an author ask you for your review qualifications? I received a review book today and the author wrote this:

"You can hardcopy [the review] back in the enclosed SASE. Please also tell me something about your qualifications to write the review. (Education, literary involvement, teaching, writing, et cetera)."

Uhhhhhhh....I read a lot? Does that count as a qualification?

egan said...

We should get a room Candace. I'm tired of having to share you with all these other needy bloggers. I want you for myself, sweaty body and all. No Cindra, no Armalicious, no Michael C, no Jean-Luc Piccard, no cats. Just you and me. MuNKi, he can watch.

egan said...

Looks like my work on this blog for today is complete. Thank you very much my good blog friend.

egan said...

Have a lovely weekend to all, and to all a good night.

Candace said...

Arm - I'm not sure what happened there. You were missed by me if not by Efo (who is clearly insane.)

Arm - No, I have NEVER gotten that. Good grief! I've never been asked for a hardcopy of the review, either. I'm not sure I'd reply, since it's not something covered by the services TCM provides. In fact, I'd contact Tami and ask for her advice on protocol with this one.

I didn't get very sweaty after all. And I sucked at "kick the thrown bottle." Wah. I feel so unfulfilled. At least give me Captain Picard. Just like in the story.

Thanks again for my lovely coment festival. ^_^

Ho ho ho! (TWSS)

egan said...

Pas de quoi!

Candace said...

Tu est un petit pomme de terre??

egan said...

Soixante dix-neuf

Candace said...

C'est magnifique!!