Monday, November 27, 2006

Caveat Amicus

I hope this picture doesn't bug you.

And I hope this post doesn't bore you,

but the time has come for a discussion about "Amish Friendship Bread."

First off, let me warn you. If someone carrying a bag of sticky goo and wearing a too-bright smile approaches you at this time of year (or any other, really) RUN; don't wait, just RUN! Why? I'll tell you. Because, Dear Reader, it is "Amish Friendship Bread" starter. "Friendship" is a word which here means "Oh my God, I'm stuck with an incessantly-spawning batch of goo and I'm going to pawn some it it off on you, much like a virus, so that though I'll still be stuck with more than I can handle, at least I will be happy in the knowledge that I'm not alone."

Would the Amish really wish this on anyone? Dear Reader, I think not. In fact, I highly suspect that the use of the word "Amish" here is simply a ruse meant to fool innocent bystanders into thinking that it must be harmless, because, hey, how many Amish serial-killers have there ever been?

Speaking of Amish, I've gotten to wondering about this. Are there only Amish in America? That almost has to be the case. Well, I guess they could go as far as Canada and South America, but travel to other continents, barring sailboats (which I find unlikely) would involve technology that is not allowed by their
Ordnung. I'm pretty sure the split happened after the whole pilgrim thing. I mean, pilgrims didn't have any modern stuff to shun, did they?

Anyway, back to the evil plot to take over the world bread. The bread comes with instructions and takes 10 days to come to fruition, or ferment, or brew, or whatever. At some point, it starts to do this:

Yes, that's right. I was given two. Not just one, Dear Reader, but two. By two different people. On two different days. But they live near each other, so you know that these two bags are likely the bastard spawn of the same parents.

See how they're puffing up? That's their way of spreading their spores. If you don't open the bag every now and then, it will explode spectacularly, sending splatters of alien goo everywhere in a blatant attempt to
take over the planet.

In case you do remember to open the bag, thus foiling the escape plans, the instructions direct you to add this, mash that, and stir in the other, and before you know it, your goo has spawned:

Each bag begets 4 more progeny and what's left (after some more ingredient-adding) finally produces 2 loaves of sweet-bread. Granted, it is delicious, but now you're stuck with all these bags of goo. And you only have so many friends who are still blissfully ignorant of The Curse. So beware. Or you may hear a knocking at your door and open it to this:

And we're going to hand you a bag of goo.


kitkat said...

Just as long as that 'g' in "goo" doesn't turn into a 'p' I think I can forgive you.

Oh yeah, as long as it isn't fruitcake either.

wf: mlemic - some kind of new disease?

Egan said...

I'm at a loss for words. Boondock Saints? Do they play football in New Orleans? What is that shirt of yours all about? Damn those kids are cute. Thanks for sharing your goods.

cindra said...

Someone blessed me with a bag a goo once You are tenacious...I'd take some, really, but I'm SO far away. You and your family are darling!

Mr. Fabulous said...

What is the deal with that first picture? Does she want me to eat a bug? What makes her think I am going to do that?

My bug eating days are over!


Jess said...

I wonder if the Amish Goo is similar to sourdough starter? I had sourdough starter once. I killed it :(

Candace said...

Kitkat - giving a bag of poo or fruitcake would be equally wrong. I don't think I could ever bring myself to do that.

Oh, don't give me that disease!

Egan, yes indeedy. The Saints are New Orleans's team. I'm glad you finally figured that out after months of my rambling about them. They're bloody amazing considering there are only 2 of them. My shirt is a from a coincidentally completely unrelated religious study group thing I got at a revival somewhere.

Cindra - perhaps I will mail you some. It does take 10 days to ripen, after all. }:-) Oh, speakinawhich, I need your addy for that postcard. My kids opened the scarf box and totally mangled your addy in the process. :-/

Mr. Fab - It comforts me to hear that your 12 step bug-devouring-cessation program has almost worked. I will do my best not to offer you any more in future. My apologies. But I'm impressed that you survived this first temptation.:)

Jess - I think they work the same way, but this stuff ends up like banana bread (sans the banana.) On the one hand, killing it is a bummer, on the other, it's a blessing. ;)

~d said...

(the Saints are number one in their division)

U are sucha CUTIE!
Sleeping kids enthrall me!
THAT bug doesn't bug me.

(what is the last line?!)

Candace said...

LOL! Go Saints!

You don't want to know the last line. (Jedi force gesture) You want to see the film.

ldbug said...

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh *running away*

Slade said...

When mr. slade and I moved from KY to AL one of my KY friends gave me a bag of goo...I ended up throwing it away because it smelled funny only to find out later that it is supposed to smell funny...hmmm

Candace said...

Ldbug - Smart woman!!! ^_^

Slade - oh NO! Then again, you've saved yourself from it's numerous evil spawn, and, as Martha would say, "That's a Good Thing." ;)

~d said...

~d ♥ candace

~d (totally) ♥♥♥ pigtails


(Ride 'em, cowboy!)

tshsmom said...

Yes, I was blessed? with the 'goo' several years ago. WAY too high maintainance for me! Besides, after 2 batches of bread, my family was sick of the stuff.
I didn't spread the blight. I was brave enough to throw out the remaining 'goo', thus ending the cycle in my little corner of the world. ;)

Diesel said...

Boondock Saints. Thanks for reminding me. Gotta update my Netflix queue.

Winters said...

C, every single one of those photographs made me want to weep at the beauty of the world.


lee said...

Just as well to get the warning! You never know when it might start to spread around over here as well, just like in the story the Magic Porridge Pot ;).

Egan said...

I'm concerned about ~d's train of thought.

Jaichan said...

I would rather have you on my doorstep delivering goo or even poo than Jeremy, the guy that shows up early to our parties and then never leaves. We were making curtains last night to keep him out when we looked up and saw him smoking on our front porch!
Please send goo.

Candace said...

~d - I love you. And I love your mind. ♥♥♥

tshsmom - you were brave indeed, saving humanity from another wave of the Amish Blight.

Diesel - I think I love you, too. No one else I tell about it has said that. Ever.

Winters - I am surrounded by beauty. I'm a very lucky woman. :)

Lee - Welcome!

Or like Strega Nona's magic Pasta Pot! Beware strangers bearing goo!!

Egan - don't be such a puss. You should be excited, maybe, inspired, certainly, but not concerned.

Jaichan - Jeremy sounds like a creepmeister. Argh! I hate being in situations like that. Maybe if I mail you some goo and you give him some, he'll back off! :)

cindra said...

Candace-send me some! Do it. I'll send it to all my 'friends' too. I'll email you my address. And you email me and tell what sizes them lil' critters wear, okay? I'll send them a box of their own.

sophie said...

I want some goo spawned from
bastard parents...

cute couple and the little
bug girl is sweet:)

sophie said...

where do you live?

Noah wants to learn
some kick boxing kung-jitsu

treespotter said...

that first picture is absolutely gorgeous!!

Candace said...

Cindra, you bet your booty you can have some! :) Cool!

Sophie - Do you really want some? Are you ready for this curse in your life? I'm checking with the PO on how to mail this stuff, so LMK if you're serious. :)

I'm in Michigan. The girls started in jujitsu when we lived in California. When we moved to MI we couldn't find jujitsu and started TKD (which I had done a little as a teen.) Where are you? I can email you some pointers on what to look for in a school that would apply to all Martial Arts. :)

Tree - I have to credit that one to GuTTer MuNKi. I love it, too. :)

Memphis Steve said...

My Wife doesn't want any Amish friendship bread. She wants Amish furniture. If you showed up at our door with some Amish furniture she'd be glad to see you.

Trundling Grunt said...

does the goo eventually grow up to become an Amish person? Is that how they breed/spawn? If so does the goo go out and build a barn in your back yard? That would be cool.

Candace said...

Memphis - It's really too bad that the furniture doesn't spawn like the goo does.

TG - Damn, that WOULD be cool! Except I bet that the Homeowner Nazis would have a fit. But I've been meaning to send MuNKi out for a chainsaw anyway. I'll just make sure he buys a Jason mask at the same time.

I wonder if that's how they do spawn. I was going to say that it might be a less messy method, but then I came to my senses.

ablondeblogger said...

Oh my I the only dork who LOVES friendship bread?!!! I could live off of that stuff! I even started it a couple of times myself when friends weren't sending it anymore (for which I'm wondering if they hated me for now after reading your post, lol).

Egan said...

Mais oui

Candace said...

Blonde - no, I DO like it. I love it, even. But I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little concerned about the 8 bags of goo in my kitchen, which, in 6 paltry days will spawn 16 loaves of bread and 32 more starters. O_o

Egan - Oui Oui Oui, all the way home. . .