Thursday, May 11, 2006

Nemesis HNT and Anecdotes

If you are a salesman and you come to my door - you know what, just don't. Why? Because I have learned to send Dh to the door. I'm too nice. I don't like to hurt people's feelings. I will stand there and listen to the spiel and wait for a polite moment to say "Sorry, that sounds lovely, but we don't have an extra $100,000,000/desire for a block of gold-plated Spam™/use for a 25 hp riding vacuum cleaner (OK I lied, we do, but I'm sure they're expensive) /need for a freshly spayed coyote just now." John is much better about this.

Example #1

Doorbell rings. I see a man through the window beside the door and call dh to go deal with him. Dh goes to door.

Man: (brightly) Hi! We sealed your driveway last year and were wondering if you want us to do that again for ya."

John: Yes, I remember, and you did a bad job. You missed spots.

Man: (shocked) uh (leaves)

See? John can deal with these guys in no time flat, and I don't think he's plagued by a guilty conscience if he ruins their day - at least not if they have it coming. He's dealt with a few people somewhat brusquely - like the guy selling subscriptions to the Freep. ("I wouldn't take that rag if you paid ME.") But it works!

I missed the best one to date while teaching class this evening. John had come home from work, started to change into his TKD stuff and sat down briefly (pun) sans pants to look at something on the computer. Of course he got sidetracked and ended up on there for a while. And then the doorbell rang. To get to our bedroom (and any/all of his pants) he'd have to go right past the door, which is flanked by 2 floor to ceiling windows. He tried the laundry room for pants in vain. By this point, The Prawn was already looking out the windows by the door - no use pretending no one was home, so he sent Mollusc to open the door. There stood a guy with a clipboard, selling something. Crap. John went to the stairs by the door, trying to keep his lower half hidden and said the first thing that came to his mind, which happened to be "BEGONE!" complete with a wave of the hand - almost like a Force Hand Gesture, LOL! The man's reaction: (bewildered) "Be gone?" John: "Yep!" And that was that, LOL! Such authority! Is it any wonder I'm head over heels for this guy? John confesses that he actually felt a little bad for the guy when all was said and done. He has no idea where the whole "BEGONE!" thing came from - it's just what fell out of his mouth. I've been chuckling over it all evening, though no doubt I'd have been mortified if I'd been there.

This puts me in mind of a snappy response a friend (J - a mortgage broker) came up with the other day whan John phoned him at work. John has never called him at work before and when J came on, John said "I was wondering if you can write me a third mortgage so I can get me some more bitches." There was a very pregnant silence and then J came back very cheerfully with "So, how many bitches didja want?" LOL! Classic!! :-)

Links of the Day: Code Monkey Video

Jonathan Coulton's site (funny music!! "Code Monkey," "Bacteria," "I Hate California," "Ikea," and more, more, more!! Thanks Fal! )

And now it's Picture Time boys and girls!

First Grosbeak of the season! He looks slightly grumpy - I don't think he's too happy about the low level of seed in the feeder.

Cake! This is the Layers thinggy from a few posts down. Ladies, let me tell you, it is a Weapon of Manly Destruction. I think John will do anything for this now that he's tasted it. Enchanted, I guess. (might have been the powdered eye of newt I added)

Lame (pun) HNT:

My ankle and The Boy's. See the wee cuts?

Nemesis #1:

Yes, it's the Prawn's hand. More specifically, her nails. Fishy says it was an accident, though.

Nemesis #2:

See that black line around the top? Bloody zipper.(pun) :-/


Faltenin said...

I used to have a long list of quotes to get rid of telemarketers. The people around me couldn't believe the shit I'd come up with.

"Can you call back please? I'm beating my boyfriend right now, and he's about to pull off the gag"


(low voice) "Tell me what you're wearing..."


"I know that voice! It's you, Bob, isn't it? Come on Bob, I know it's you - it's the same accent you took last week to pretend you were a cocaine salesman with free samples"


"What's your name? Is this a cool job? How long have you been doing it for? [...] Well nice chatting, but I have to go now, ciao!"

Karen Little said...

You're just like me - I feel far too bad to tell those folks to get lost... I like Faltenin's strategy, though - make yourself look psychotic, spare the salesman's feelings.

Slade said...

the only "sales" people we get at my house are the firewood guys. they charge way too much for way too little

Candace said...

LOL, Fal. OK, some of those are downright scary! Thank goodness for caller ID since I no longer have to answer the phone unless it's someone I know. But maybe I could adapt some of those to door-anwering. I was talking to J (of phone call-bithces fame) yesterday and he says he just doesn't answer the door - even if the dog's barking and the kids are yelling "Mom, dad! Someone's at the door." He said they do leave eventually, LOL!

Karen - I'm glad it's not just me. Misery loves company! Yeah - that might work - it would definitely spare their feelings. :-)

Slade - "Wanna buy some wood?" Are you sure it's firewood they're selling? '-)

Toby said...

Slade did say "they charge way too much for way too little." I think she's clear.

I haven't seen a door to door sales "rep" <---PC since I was a kid. I do have Jehovas Witnesses - the door to door sales people of God fearing lifestyle. The last time I offered them beer. When they declined I insisted, pretending to be insulted. They left.

That cake looks fricken wonderful! It's almost better than naked chicks.

Egan said...

What Karen said. I hear she's very reliable so trust her and you should be golden.

tshsmom said...

Whenever I get a female telemarketer, I accuse her of having an affair with my husband. ;)

Candace said...

Toby, heh - you think like I do. ;-) What a great way to take care of the JWitnesses!

The cake is way better than naked chicks. At least from my POV. :-)

Egan - I'm practising my psycho act starting today. I'm going to try it out on your blog.

TSmom - HA! One time when Mollusc was 2 or 3 a telemarketer asked for her, so I handed the phone over, LOL! Oh! I just remembered - my very most gutsy phone thinggy ever just happened a few weeks ago. We always get these "Out of Area" calls and they're always fundraising junk, so I finally just picked up one of those calls and said "Hello, would you please remove me from your list?" The guy sounded a little forlorn when he said, "Sure, but don't you even want to know who's calling?" Of course I was as polite as possible (No thank you - I've overcommitted on donations and I can't add any more.) And I felt bad for the guy. :-P

Logophile said...

Oh lord, I am laughing my ass off,
I love him too!