Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Phantom Menace of the Opera, Conclusion

First off: The Meaning of KEEP YOUR HAND AT THE LEVEL OF YOUR EYE. Hello, Googlers. I see you keep getting directed to this page, so I'll save you more searching. The point of this is that because The Phantom uses a Punjab Lasso to strangle people, theoretically, if you keep your hand up and he throws it around your neck, you can pull the loop loose and slip it off again. Notice that Raoul does a very bad job of following directions. Notice, too, the fate that befalls him. :-/ If you didn't like Christine's choice, try the whole parody here. :o)OK, on to the fun.

If you want to start at Part I, click this link.

I had so much fun doing this! I am really going to miss it! :o( Here goes:

***********

INSTALLMENT VIII

As CHRISTINE and PHANTOM proceed down the passageway, spiraling ever lower, VADER joins them from an adjoining passageway.

VADER
Is Miss Giry with you?

CHRISTINE
Meg?

PHANTOM
No.

VADER looks back over his shoulder as ALL THREE continue to run on.

PHANTOM
Why, you ask, was I bound and chained in this cold and dismal place?
Not for any mortal sin, but the wickedness of my abhorrent face!

VADER
Hounded out by everyone!

PHANTOM
Met with hatred everywhere!

VADER
No kind word from anyone!

PHANTOM
No compassion anywhere!

PHANTOM/VADER
Christine!

VADER
Why?

PHANTOM
Why?

CUT TO INT. OPERA HOUSE STAIRCASE – NIGHT

MADAME GIRY is taking RAOUL towards the PHANTOM’S LAIR.

MADAME GIRY
Keep your hand at the level of your eyes!

RAOUL
... at the level of your eyes ...

MADAME GIRY
This is as far as I dare go.

RAOUL
(holding up his paper 3-D glasses to his eyes)
Madame Giry, thank you.

RAOUL continues down and falls through a trapdoor into a tank of water.

RAOUL (Cont.)
Aaaaagh!

RAOUL struggles and thrashes dramatically only to finally stand in water that is only just over his knees. EYEBALL-ON-A-STALK MONSTER snakes a tentacle toward RAOUL, who pulls out his half of DARTH MAUL’S lightsaber. It sputters and then gives him a powerful shock. He yells, then begins whacking at the tentacle with the lightsaber hilt. The tentacle withdraws. RAOUL looks around twitching with paranoia. We hear a deep, distant CLANKING NOISE and then the walls begin to move inward.

RAOUL
This is not my day.
(pulls out comlink)
Threepio, can you hear me? Threepio? Come in, Threepio!

COMLINK
(silent)

RAOUL
Threepio! Threepio! Shut down all the garbage mashers on the Phantom’s level.

THREEPIO (over COMLINK)
Master Raoul? Oh, Sir! What’s happening?
(whacks a beeping ARTOO on the dome with a CLANK)
Quiet Artoo, I’m trying to speak with Master Raoul.

RAOUL
Shut down all the garbage mashers on the Phantom’s level!

CUT TO ARTOO and THREEPIO OPERA HOUSE INT. CONTROL ROOM

THREEPIO
(to ARTOO)
Shut down all the garbage mashers on the Phantom’s level – no all of them!

ARTOO
(whistles and beeps)

CUT TO RAOUL in WATER TANK

RAOUL
(accidentally reactivates lightsaber and gets another couple of powerful shocks) AAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHH!! AAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHH!!

CUT TO ARTOO AND THREEPIO OPERA HOUSE INT. CONTROL ROOM

THREEPIO
Oh, no! He’s dying! We were too late!

RAOUL’S VOICE
(from comlink)
It’s all right, Threepio. I’m all right.

THREEPIO
Oh, thank The Maker! You did it Artoo! You saved him!

ARTOO(whistle, whistle, raspberry)

THREEPIO
(shocked)
What do you mean, “Why?” Honestly R2-D2, I don’t know what’s gotten into you!

CUT TO INT. PHANTOM’S LAIR – NIGHT. THERE IS MIST -- SWIRLING MIST UPON A VAST, GLASSY LAKE. THERE ARE CANDLES ALL AROUND – well – you know. . .

CHRISTINE
(to VADER)
What have you done with RAOUL?

VADER
I have not harmed him. . . Yet. . .
(crosses to guard the closed portcullis, folds his arms across his chest and looks on)

PHANTOM
(with a knowing grin – thinking of RAOUL’S supposed fate in the garbage masher)
I don’t think the fop will be a nuisance to us any longer.

CHRISTINE
(angry now)
Have you gorged yourself at last, in your lust for blood?
Am I now to be prey to your lust for flesh?
(rips off PHANTOMS mask)

PHANTOM
(stands facing her openly, hiding nothing)
That fate, which condemns me to wallow in blood has also denied me
the joys of the flesh . . .
this face - the infection
which poisons our love . . .
This face, which earned a mother's fear and loathing . . .
A mask, my first unfeeling scrap of clothing . . .

(CHRISTINE turns away, ashamed)

Pity comes too late - turn around
and face your fate: an eternity of this before your eyes!

CHRISTINE
This haunted face holds no horror for me now . . .
It's in your soul that the true distortion lies . . .

VADER
Wait! I think, my friends, we have a guest.

(There is a great splashing and thrashing as someone comes running through the thigh-deep water, slips and goes under flailing, thrashes and splashes a lot more, partially rises, slips back under, and finally RAOUL stands up outside the portcullis, bedraggled, looking into the PHANTOM’S lair)

CHRISTINE tries to hide a giggle

PHANTOM
(breaks out in a full-out good-humoured laugh – not really spiteful as if he’s laughing at RAOUL – more like RAOUL has just told him the most wonderful joke. He tries very hard to recompose himself)Sir, this is indeed an unparalleled delight!
(*snort* shakes head to get a grip)
I had rather hoped that you would come.
And now my wish comes true - you have truly made my night!
(trying very hard not to smile or break out laughing)


RAOUL
(gives PHANTOM a dirty look)
Free her!
Do what you like only free her!
Have you no pity?
(throws out his hands, pleadingly, slips and goes under again - thrash, thrash, thrash – gets up again clearly very frustrated)

PHANTOM
(snorts, laughs again, trying desperately to stop)
Your lover makes a passionate plea!

CHRISTINE
(has been holding it in, but it breaks out in a big snort of laughter and she doubles over, clutching her stomach)
Oh Raoul!
(laughs)
Oh!
(laughs again)
Raoul, I’m sorry – it’s just – well it’s just the timing, and –
(snorts again)
Oh Raoul, I’m sorry.

RAOUL
I love her!
Does that mean nothing?
I love her!
Show some compassion . . .

PHANTOM
The world showed no compassion to me!

RAOUL
Christine . . .
Christine . . . Let me see her. . .

PHANTOM
Be my guest, sir. . .
(nods to VADER, who makes a Force Gesture to raise the portcullis)

VADER
Monsieur, I bid you welcome!
(VADER helps RAOUL get through the entrance without slipping – RAOUL mutters “Thank you.” The portcullis closes behind him.)
Did you think that
He would harm her?
Why should he make her pay
for the sins which are yours?
(on the word YOURS, VADER uses The Force to lift RAOUL and pin him against the grille of the portcullis, also choking him, but conveniently not enough that he can’t sing his lines)

PHANTOM
Order your fine horses now!
Raise up your hand to the level of your eyes!
Nothing can save you now - except perhaps Christine ...
(to CHRISTINE)
Start a new life with me -
Buy his freedom with your love!
Refuse me, and you send your lover to his death!
(VADER gives an extra squeeze for emphasis and RAOUL makes a choking sound)
This is the choice -
This is the point of no return!

CHRISTINE
The tears I might have shed for your dark fate grow cold, and turn to tears of hate. . .

RAOUL
Christine, forgive me please forgive me. . .

Now for the extremely confusing, 3 part song in which everyone sings different words. VADER watches in much the same way as a spectator at a tennis match, but with dignity.

RAOUL (Cont.)
I did it all for you, and all for nothing. . .

CHRISTINE
Farewell my fallen idol and false friend
We had such hopes
Now all those hopes are shattered

PHANTOM
Past all hope of cries for help: no point in fighting
For either way you choose, you cannot win

RAOUL
For either way you choose, he has to win!

PHANTOM
So, do you end your days with me,
or do you send him to his grave?
(VADER chokes RAOUL a little harder)

RAOUL
Why make her lie to you, to save me?

CHRISTINE
Angel of Music ...


PHANTOM
Past the point of no return –

RAOUL
For pity's sake,
Christine, say no!

CHRISTINE
. . .Who deserves this?

PHANTOM
... the final threshold

RAOUL
...Don't throw your life away for my sake ...

CHRISTINEWhy do you curse mercy?

PHANTOM
His life is now the prize which you must earn!

RAOUL
I fought so hard to free you.

CHRISTINE
Raoul, there’s still good in him. I can feel it.
Angel of Music ...

PHANTOM
You've passed the point of no return

CHRISTINE
... you deceived me -
I gave you my mind blindly ...

PHANTOM
You try my patience - make your choice!

CHRISTINE
(approaching PHANTOM through the water)
Pitiful creature of darkness
What kind of life have you known?
God give me courage to show you
You are not alone. . .
(she kisses PHANTOM, looks at him, says softly)
Your thoughts betray you. I feel the good in you, the conflict.

PHANTOM
There is no conflict.

CHRISTINE
You couldn't bring yourself to kill him before, and I don't believe you'll destroy him now.
(kisses him again)

PHANTOM looks into her eyes with wonder and then smiles softly. VADER, watching, nods slowly. PHANTOM motions behind himself to VADER, who releases RAOUL.

PHANTOM
Christine – I love you.

CHRISTINE
(just before he kisses her again whispers)
I know.

RAOUL
(furious)
Christine! NO! You belong to ME!
(unthinkingly activates lightsaber again, which shocks him)AAAAAAAAAGHGHGGGGGGHHH!

PHANTOM
She BELONGS to no one.

CHRISTINE
(to PHANTOM)
But I give you my heart, willingly.

VADER uses The Force to open the portcullis and Raoul stomps out, but slips and falls, thrashes, then rises again and slogs off. A second later, Meg comes running/splashing lightly through the water.

MEG
Quickly! They’re coming! You must hide!

VADER steps forward to MEG and holds out a black-gloved hand.

VADER
Join with us. Together we will rule the universe.

MEG turns to him, awed, then smiles coyly, bites her lip and places her hand in his. PHANTOM picks up a candlestick and smashes five mirrors arrayed around the room, revealing five separate passages. He then slides another mirror open, revealing a sixth passage.

PHANTOM
That will buy us some time.

PHANTOM takes CHRISTINE’S hand, VADER draws MEG after him, they pass through the opening, and the mirror slides closed behind them. We hear a double duet of “All I Ask of You” fading as the four move away along the passage.

FADE TO BLACK

7 comments:

TheBestDressedDoll said...

ROTFLOL! That was GREAT! Brava brava bravissima!
I shall miss this....of course, you could do another...hmm, "Phantom of the Rings"? "Phantom and Commander: Far Side of the Opera House"? "Chronicles of the Opera: The Phantom, the Chick, and the Dressing Room"?
*evil grin*

Candace said...

Candace said...
Thanks, Girl! :o) I'm glad you enjoyed it. :o) I thought of doing an alternate Raoul-gets-the-girl ending for Raoul lovers. :o) But what would I do with poor Phantom?

Yeah - I'm not ready to be done just yet, but the story ended. Sigh. Mollusc points out that I could do all 6 SW films with POTO characters coming in (rather than vice versa) so I guess there's plenty more material to be had. :o) I posted this parody on a POTO board, and they're asking for more, too, so I guess I'll have to get cookin' :o)

Heh - The Phantom, The Girl and the Dressing Room. :-D Phantom and Commander - I have yet to see the real one. RC is cute!

TheBestDressedDoll said...

In some ways, alternate endings, that completeling change the ending, are like sellouts. *shakes head* no Alternate Ending is needed ;)

Mmm, I can't wait to see what you come up with!
Master and Command was good! As was Gladiator (Another with Russell Crowe) Probably not ones that you'd want your younglings seeing.
Oh, is the POTO board, well, fairly clean? Like you'd be willing to let your child read it?

Candace said...

Yeah - it is cheating, isn't it? Like trying to have your cake and eat, too. Or, to make far more sense, like trying to eat your cake and still have it, too.

POTO board is clean in bits and not in others. They try to label stuff NC-17 if it's not child friendly, but I would definitely need to supervise the younglings there. (10, 8, 6, and 4 years old)

LarryandJean said...

This is hilarious! Much better than the bits that I have seen - we have a POTO uber-fan here (Mossflower).

Larry
The Swap

Candace said...

LOL! THANK YOU!! :o) I'm so glad you liked it. :) I had a LOT of fun with it. :) Anything to share a laugh with someone. And the lyrics are so fun to play with. *grin* I hope that if Mossflower reads it, she enjoys it and doesn't find it sacreligious. ;o) I'm an uber fan, too, so it's all in good fun. :o)

mossflower said...

uberfan here!
LOVED it! you should do more.
Clap clap clap
Brava!