The Phantom Menace of the Opera

I just posted this in the humour forum of a Phantom site, but now you can see it, too, Sheila. Copyright Me, 2005

Mollusc came up with the whole Phantom Menace of the Opera idea, and my twisted brain came up with this (so far)

Oh, yeah, at some point there is going to HAVE to be a song that includes:

"You alone can make my ship take flight.
Artoo, that's all I ask of Yooooooooooouuuuuuuu!"

THE PHANTOM MENACE OF THE OPERA

As our story opens, Obi Wan and Qui-Gon Jinn are in their spaceship, having just arrived for negotiations with the Trade Federation.

OBI-WAN
I have a bad feeling about this.

QUI-GON
I don't sense anything.

OBI-WAN
It's not about the mission, Master, it's something...elsewhere...elusive.

CHRISTINE
(enters through far doors, looks appraisingly at the 2 Jedi who whip around and activate their lightsabers. She stares, entranced, at the sabers)

OBI-WAN
(suddenly inspired, lowers his lightsaber and steps toward Christine as if hypnotised)

Never knew I could feel like this
Like I've never seen the sky before
I want to vanish inside your kiss
Every day I Love You more and more. . .

Come what may
Come what may
I will love you
Until my dying day

Gas begins streaming out of the vents in the wall. The 2 Jedi look at each other and run from the room.

CHRISTINE
(looks after them, then sings)
Think of me,
Think of me fondly,
When we've said goodbye.
Remember me once in a while
Please promise me you'll try.

THE PHANTOM
(Appears and grabs Christine as she is fainting. There is a flash of red flame and they disappear through a hole in the floor just as battle droids begin to appear through the haze.)

CHRISTINE
(Comes to by herself in a strange hallway.)
Where am I?

MEG
(arrives out of breath)
Where in the world have you been hiding?

CHRISTINE
I – I don’t know. There were candles all ar- no that’s not right. There were two men –

MEG
Your face, it’s white.

CHRISTINE
I think it’s residue from that gas.

MEG
We need to get you to your room.

INT – CHRISTINE’S ROOM, NIGHT

RAOUL
(entering)
Little Lotte said –

CHRISTINE
(turning quickly with a scowl)
This is NOT her dressing room anymore. They gave it to ME!

RAOUL
(Stopping, surprised)
Wha-?

CHRISTINE
Raoul?? Oh, Raoul! I thought it was someone looking for Carlotta. What have you done to your hair?

RAOUL
Let’s go to supper.

CHRISTINE
(head cocked to one side, squinting at Raoul’s hair)
One of those other men had long hair, but somehow it worked on him. . .

RAOUL
Um, I have to get my hat.
(leaves)

All the candles flicker and go out.

OBI-WAN
(entering)
Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place
Suddenly it moves with such a perfect grace
Suddenly my life doesn't seem such a waste
It all revolves around you.

PHANTOM
(was becoming visible in the mirror, now sighs disgustedly and withdraws)

OBI-WAN
Who was that fop I saw leaving your room just now?

CHRISTINE
He’s not a fop!

OBI-WAN
Well, he looked like a slave of fashion to me.

Outside in the hallway we hear a metallic clanking and clicking.

OBI-WAN (Cont.)
Uh-oh! Destroyers!
(He ignites his lightsaber and runs out the door.)

PHANTOM
(starts becoming visible in the mirror again but we hear OBI-WAN coming back up the hall. THE PHANTOM makes a noise of disgust)
I don’t have TIME for this!
(smashes mirror and drags Christine through. They disappear just as Raoul comes running back into the room wearing a big hat to hide his hair. Seconds later, a destroyer droid (droideka) rolls into the room, unfolds and chambers a round in each gun – this is a little odd, since they are laser guns, but hey, that’s Hollywood for ya – both are aimed at Raoul. He screams and runs from the room.)


* * *
Click here for Part II.