Monday, December 12, 2005

Phantom Menace of the Opera Part Deux

More Phantom Menace. It's a good writing warm-up. :oP This is a continuation of Installment I.

CHRISTINE and PHANTOM walk down the stairs. (Music: DUN!!!! DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN!!!!!! etc. ) PHANTOM glances at his pocket-watch and snorts with disgust. He picks CHRISTINE up and runs the rest of the way to the boat. Fortunately 1)he’s in great shape (or as Stony would say, “bu – uff”)and 2) CHRISTINE is a twig, so he doesn’t even break a sweat.

(a little unsteadily as she is jolted by PHANTOM’S running)
In sleep he sa-a-a-ang to me
In dreams he ca a-a-a-a ame –
Hey, look, it’s that guy again!

(glancing over his shoulder)
Oh for the love of all that is unholy!
(he sets CHRISTINE down and turns, shielding her, to face OBI-WAN)

(looking ‘round PHANTOM and waggling his eyebrows at CHRISTINE)
I'll be your Rock if you'll be my Doris. . .

(draws his sword)
No! There’ll be none of that! Her chains are still mine, she belongs to ME!

OBI-WAN ignites his lightsaber and RAOUL comes running in, just buckling on his sword belt.

Christine! My Angel!

I do hope he means you.

RAOUL(draws his sword perilously close to OBI-WAN’S head)
Unhand her, Fiend!

In a flash, OBI-WAN reacts by smoothly lopping RAOUL’S sword off at the hilt, but at the same time he loses his grip on the lightsaber, which splashes into the lake.During this distraction, PHANTOM tosses CHRISTINE in the boat, leaps in after her and swiftly poles the boat around the corner and out of sight.

(patting his robe and tunic pockets)
Where is that blasted re-breather?A long tentacle appears briefly in the lake, disappearing quickly back under the water. An eyeball on a stalk pops up and looks at OBI-WAN and RAOUL, then slips back into the lake.

On second thought. . .

Why are you following Christine?

(makes Force hand movement)
I’m not following Christine.

You’re not following Christine.

(with another Force gesture)
You need to go home and re-think your life.

I need to go home and rethink my life.

CUT TO PHANTOM’S LAIR – INT, NIGHT (well, it’s always night down there, isn’t it?)PHANTOM is just beaching the boat and getting out. CHRISTINE is watching him, enchanted. PHANTOM takes CHRISTINE’S hand and helps her ashore.

Nighttime sharpens,
Heightens each sensation – Oh give me a BLOODY BREAK!

ANAKIN (EPISODE III ANAKIN that is) has just stepped out from the shadows.


(doing a double take at CHRISTINE)
You know this man?

Anakin, you’re so – grown up!
(smiles coyly)
And the long hair – it works on you, too.

What are you doing here?

The Jedi have assigned me to protect Miss Daae.

Are you Bad Anakin or Good Anakin?

Why don’t you come and find out?

(With a gentle clinking noise a tentacle pushes OBI-WAN’S lightsaber onto the pebbled beach. PHANTOM steps casually down to the water’s edge and picks it up. He shakes it off and ignites it. It splutters and fizzles for a couple of seconds, then hums strongly to life. He turns to face ANAKIN, who ignites his own saber and they begin to duel. CHRISTINE gets back into the boat where there’s less chance of getting an arm lopped off. She wisely remembers that someone loses an arm in all but one of the SW films.)

There’s nothing more manly then two hunks fighting it out over a woman. (sighs) And this is so much better than the girly fight in Bridget Jones, though that WAS funny.


(now eating popcorn)
Hmm – needs more butter.

AAAAAAAAAAAGH! (As his arm splashes into the water beside the boat. He passes out.)

CHRISTINE screams and faints.

PHANTOM lifts CHRISTINE from the boat and takes her to the phoenix bed. Harry Potter Music starts playing, but he silences it with a sudden, impatient movement of one hand.

You alone can make my song take flight,
Help me make the music of the – night.

* * *

Go to Part III

1 comment:

GuTTer MuNKi said...

Nice. But when Anakin is asked whether he is good or bad, the correct reply, with the aforementioned leer, would be, of course, 'Naughty'.