Thursday, December 15, 2005

Phantom Menace of the Opera, Part the Fifth


As OBI-WAN finishes his song, RAOUL shoves him away from CHRISTINE (who is dressed as PRINCESS LEIA IN SLAVE GIRL COSTUME) hard with both hands. OBI-WAN goes for his lightsaber before remembering that he lost it in the lake. Using the Force, he does a high, twisting, flipping jump, landing behind RAOUL. RAOUL spins around just in time to get a vicious side-kick in the chest which sends him flying backwards. CHRISTINE screams musically. With great murmuring, the CROWD draws back to the edges of the room. RAOUL gets slowly to his feet, hand to his chest. CHRISTINE sobs and starts to rush forward, but OBI-WAN has already launched himself toward RAOUL. RAOUL grabs a plastic, telescoping lightsaber from a man near him in a Darth Vader costume. OBI-WAN grabs a Nimbus 2000 from a guy dressed like Harry Potter. They clatter back and forth across the ballroom floor, fencing with their newly acquired weapons. OBI-WAN gets in a few nice kicks, but RAOUL’S no slouch and gets in a few of his own. Enter DARTH MAUL. Actually he was already there in a powdered wig and with a white sequined/feathered mask, but he drops his disguise and activates his double lightsaber. Both OBI-WAN and RAOUL stop and turn to face him, plastic saber and broomstick at the ready.




DARTH MAUL steps forward, twirling his saber. OBI-WAN jumps forward and axe kicks (a kick that strikes down with the heel from above) the saber in the centre, breaking it in two. The two halves go spinning across the floor in opposite directions, leaving a trail of destruction and a few body parts in their wakes. RAOUL springs after one and OBI-WAN after the other. They both charge back toward DARTH MAUL and in an instant they reduce him to an icky mess on the floor. OBI-WAN and RAOUL both switch their sabers off. All is silent.


Why so silent, good messieurs?

RAOUL looks from the mess on the floor that had until so recently been DARTH MAUL, to PHANTOM and narrows his eyes.

Did you think that I had left you for good?
Have you missed me, good messieurs?
I have written you an opera!
Here I bring the finished score
"Don Han Triumphant!”
Fondest greetings to you all!
A few instructions just before rehearsal starts:
Chewbacca must be taught to act,
not his normal trick of strutting round the stage.
Our Don Han must loosen up –

(PHANTOM pokes at HAN FROZEN IN CARBONITE with the tip of his sword.)

it's not healthy in a man of Solo's age.
And my managers must learn
that their place is in an office,
not the arts.
As for Miss Christine Daae. . .
No doubt she'll do her best -
it's true her voice is good.
She knows, though,
should she wish to excel
she has much still to learn,
if pride will let her return to me
Her teacher, her teacher ...

(PHANTOM grabs CHRISTINE’S SLAVE GIRL COSTUME neck chain and uses two hands to snap it in half as if it were only thread)

Your chains are still mine

You belong to ME!

THE CROWD gasps.

RAOUL reactivates his lightsaber and rushes toward PHANTOM, who disappears through the floor in a flash of fire. RAOUL hurls himself down the hole just before it closes and lands in the MAZE OF MIRRORS but the lightsaber is so brightly reflected in all the mirrored surfaces surrounding him, that he is temporarily blinded.

Aaaaagh! (throws up a hand to shield his eyes and deactivates the saber)

OBI-WAN’S lightsaber (which was last in PHANTOM’S possession) drops through the ceiling of the maze in a Punjab lasso, twirling dangerously and filling the room with blinding blue light reflected from all the mirrors. We hear PHANTOM’S MANIACAL LAUGHTER.

Aaaaaaagh! (throws up a hand to shield his eyes.)

(enters with paper 3-D glasses held to her eyes and presses a second pair into RAOUL’S hand)
Keep your hand at the level of your eyes!
RAOUL raises the glasses to his eyes and creeps out after MADAME GIRY.


I’ll be down in a moment.(exits)

We hear DARTH VADER’S breathing and the hum of a lightsaber and the cabby falls in 2 pieces in the snow. With a swirl of his cape, DARTH VADER takes the place of the CABMAN. PHANTOM comes on the scene a moment later and does a double take at VADER in the CABMAN’S seat, throws up his hands and shakes his head slightly in disbelief. PHANTOM puts his hand to his sword, then, inspired, hides instead in the back of the carriage.

CHRISTINE arrives and climbs into the carriage, inches from PHANTOM, who is hidden on the floor beneath a large rug.


(emerging from around opposite sides of the mausoleum)Wandering child

(VADER and PHANTOM look at each other, but then back at CHRISTINE and continue without missing a beat)
so lost
so helpless
yearning for my guidance

(bewildered and looking up from one to the other)
Angel . . . or father . . .

friend. . . or Phantom. . .
Who is it there,

staring . . . ?

VADER and PHANTOM approach each other, arms folded over their chests.

(entering on horseback, shouting)Christine!
(he sees PHANTOM and VADER and brings the horse to a sliding halt)


VADER and PHANTOM both look at RAOUL, then back at each other and nod curtly. BOTH take out a lightsaber. VADER has constructed a new lightsaber with a red blade, PHANTOM still has OBI-WAN’S blue one with which he had taunted RAOUL in the MAZE OF MIRRORS. BOTH ignite their lightsabers and jump/soar down the full length of the mausoleum steps, capes flying out behind them. RAOUL draws his saber but VADER uses the Force to start throwing statues and urns at him.

(nods and chuckles appreciatively)

(Watching, aghast)

Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your father. . .

(still getting bombarded with stuff, ducking, dodging)Christine! Don’t listen to him! Whatever you believe, he’s not your father!

RAOUL gets clonked hard by a big chunk of statue and staggers. Two more pieces hit him and he falls.

(rushing forward to put herself between RAOUL and the direction from which all the STUFF is coming)
No! Not like this!

Very well.

VADER leaps astride the horse. PHANTOM lifts CHRISTINE by the waist and tosses her lightly onto the horse behind VADER, then leaps easily on behind her. Fortunately, it’s a big horse. They ride off.

(Looking angrily after VADER and PHANTOM)
Now let it be war upon you BOTH!

(to be continued. . .)

Click here for Part VI

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